A Day of Revelations

March 14, 2024


It's barely after 10 AM this morning and it's already been a day of revelations and epiphanies. I had one this morning while waiting for my child to go to school and another when I left the gym. I did a tarot reading this morning about focus. I've really been struggling with direction in life, being pulled this way and that way at any given second. Each direction would take me down a different path with different challenges and different rewards. The problem? I have no clue what I want or how to figure that out. I do know that I asked Brighid for her guidance this morning as I pulled these cards - she's definitely speaking to me today!

Fear of Failure

The first revelation I had this morning was about my anxiety about putting myself out there and making a career out of what I love...which is funny to me because my mind also feels like a scatter painting. You know the ones - they were popular ways to paint your wall in the 2000s (at least...they were popular in my area). My mind is the paint on the paintbrush and my thoughts are the flecks being scattered on the wall. I think that's a fantastic way of putting how I feel, actually. There are a million directions my mind is going, and each one is giving me pause. I don't know which one to follow so I kind of just...don't go anywhere.

Anyway, back to the revelation - I have always wanted to own a business. The ideas have gone from a crochet business where I make and sell my creations and patterns all the way to a coffee shop with a lending library full of books people can read. The realization I had this morning is that while I would love to do these things, I don't actually believe it's possible. I have zero belief in myself; and no confidence that I can do these things and be successful. I'm afraid of failing because failing means I'm no good. Failing means I shouldn't have tried in the first place. Failing means all the people in my life who didn't support me for one reason or another were right about me and I didn't deserve their support.

This is probably rooted in my anxiety disorder and trauma, but knowing where it comes from doesn't really help me. I don't know how to get past the abject horror of failure. I guess I should probably evaluate my idea of success while I'm at it. Am I successful? I mean, I'm alive, right? I have a house. I have a car. I have a family. I have...what? Do all of these things make me successful? Again, I'm struck by the notion that I have no freakin' idea what I want. I can't define success if I don't know how I'm being successful.

Fear of Being Ignored

Another revelation I had this morning revolves solely around my anxiety with social media. I'm on social media so I can share parts of my practice, parts of my life, and my crochet products. The entire point of being on social media is to be seen and heard in my specific niches. Social media is a conundrum to me because I have a very limited social battery. Most of my social battery is spent on work - my actual job that pays me - because I'm a community manager and literally have to be social for the majority of the week. That leaves me with no social battery to respond to comments or engage on social media in a meaningful way. That's not the point, though - get back to the point, Megan...

I have a huge fear of being ignored or not being heard or understood. Social media takes this fear, twists it, and amplifies it just by the very nature of it being social media. I can do all the research on hashtags, trending music, and post at all the right times but if the algorithm doesn't think my post is worthy of attention, it's ignored. This is even true for the people who follow me! And I know this because I can see my reach versus my follower count and the numbers don't ever match. Of course, there would be some wiggle room because I'm sure there are inactive accounts who still follow me, but still - the numbers don't add up. Working so hard on something such as a reel or a YouTube video just for it to flop and not get seen is very disheartening and it pushes on some triggers I have.

I know not all social media is like this, but if I'm being completely honest with myself, most of social media makes me have an internal panic. YouTube is a bit different, but if I focus too much on the numbers and not enough on why I'm on YouTube? Ohh...then it's all downhill from there. No one wants to be ignored, but when you've lived a life feeling unsupported and unheard, it tends to make everything worse.

So...what to do?

That's the big question, isn't it? I have no clue. I'm mainly writing this blog post so I don't forget about these things but also to show you just how these things affect people. I know I'm not alone in the panic of social media, but I also know there are people out there who thrive on social media. I'm proud of myself for not making a knee-jerk decision to just delete all of my social media besides YouTube and solely focus on a newsletter...because that's where my brain is right now. I think that's what I want...but the problem with me not having my ADHD under control is I'll make that decision and then regret it in two weeks, bring everything back, and be right back where I started. I did that with my YouTube channel. I've done it with my shop. I've done it with so many other things and I'm trying to have a better handle on things right now...but it's soooo hard.

Anyway...social media is terrible. It makes my anxiety worse. It makes me panic. It makes me crazy and becomes all I can think about when trying to grow a business. I hate it...but what do I do without it?

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